Two Roads Diverged

My eldest brother and I endured most of the same trauma in our childhood. We learned to be survivalist, although that was defined differently for each of us. At first, it was stealing whatever he could to eat and obtain the lifestyle we once knew. Mine was to dress and play the part of the girl I once was. We both learned to pretend like our unraveled world didn't exist. We were objects at motion, continuing in motion. Not fully understanding where we were headed.

At some point along the way our paths diverged. He, continuing down the road walked before us. I, fighting with every once of my being, to forge a new one. Neither one was easy. Survivalist then, and survivalist still. Although my path was now guided by a light, that has continually lit the way.

Looking into my brothers tear filled eyes the other day, I could see all of the pain that his road has brought him. While, mine delivered me from it. I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all of the difference. My journey brought me freedom. It gave me rest for my weary soul. It allowed me to discover peace and joy. It provided my family a new heritage. We no longer have to be who we once were. Although, there are wonderful parts of our loved ones we will forever carry with us.

Despite the adversities he's faced. Despite the heartbreak he's felt. Despite the years he may have spent in the wilderness. We both arrived at the same place....the feet of Jesus. Our paths may have split decades ago, but they have now merged together. Our hearts and souls, are filled with scars from the journey. His wounds a little more fresh and deeper than mine. Yet, still, the healing process has begun. 

Two roads diverged, re-emerged...looking back on how we miraculously survived it all. Believing someday we will understand the purpose. And knowing God was with us both all along.

What My Eyes Have Seen

Shakespeare once said "The eyes are the window to your soul". If this is true, what happens when your sight becomes compromised? Does that mean consequently your soul does also?

My preteen and teen years were plagued by addiction and abandonment, and subsequently neglect. When my basic needs in life were left unmet, by those I relied on, it's no surprise the extra things (like healthcare) would be too.  We went weeks, sometimes months, without food, electric, and water. So needless to say, dental, optometrist, or physical appointments were not a luxury we were afforded. 

In the nineties our public elementary school performed regular vision checks as well as provided weekly flouride treatments. Which I may or may not be able to accredit to my strong healthy teeth. However, it was the vision exams that proved more beneficial to me.

In fourth grade, I failed the visual acuity test from our school nurse. Which prompted my first eye doctor visit. Followed by my first set of prescription eyeglasses. I'm not sure what my rx was at that point, but the doctor did write me a letter to be moved to the front on the class, until my new glasses arrived. 

That first pair was followed by another, two years later. A few months after that, my mom moved out and left us. Soon after my glasses were somehow misplaced, along with the life we once knew. I spent the next five years of my life trying to navigate life, visually impaired.

At fifteen when I found myself pregnant, the medical card allowed me to obtain the healthcare I'd been in desperate need of. I saved up from my job at the nursing home, and scheduled my first contact lens appointment. I remember walking outside of the office, and being able to see leaves on the trees for the first time in my teenage life. Driving back home, I could see road signs. When I went to school, I could see my friends faces in detail. I could read the chalkboard. I no longer had to copy from a neighbors notes. I didn't have to be the class clown any longer, like eighth grade Jeni, who used my personality to overcompensate for my lack of sight. I was seeing for the very first time, a world I hadn't before. 

Ironically, I ended up working for an Optometrist a few years later. Where I've spent the last twenty one years of my life. It was there I realized how horrible my  un corrected visual acuities really had been.  By the time I got my first pair of contacts at fifteen, my prescription was -650. Which means, what a normal sighted person could see at 400-600 ft away was only visible at 20 ft to me. 

Lord only knows what I didn't see all of those years, still not sure if it was a blessing or a curse. What I do know, is that as much as my sight was deprived, my soul was too. Navigating life half blind, is alot like trying to survive and overcome trauma. It forvever changes your vision. When you finally are miraculously given clarity, through contact lenses or through Christ, you are able to have empathy on another's journey.  It's not like putting on someone else's glasses expecting to see clearly. It's understanding and appreciating we all see the world through a different lens. 

My eyes may have seen and unseen many things, but my soul has felt all of it. I'm thankful for the clarity and wisdom I have because of life's challenges whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. Because of it, my eyes are opened to the beauty and pain of another's soul. Not everyone has the gift of sight (or insight). It is a gift. One I've earned and one I cherish.

Love WILL Find You in Your Pain

Back in the summer, I watched a series about a fifteen year old girls typical coming of age story. After I binged the entire thing, I laid awake the rest of the night, sobbing uncontrollably. What was it about this particular story that triggered me? It wasn't even at all parallel to my own. The girl was on a journey of self discovery. She was experimenting with her looks and different social crowds. She was also falling in love for the very first time. I guess, what evoked so much emotion from me, was the fact that I never had a chance to experience those normal teenage rights of passage. Whether it was consequence of my own choice or others.

I was grieving the life I wish I had been given. I was caught up in what wasn't. I was weeping for the girl who had dreamt bigger dreams. And I was dwelling on my unlived childhood.

A few days prior, my very first granddaughter was born. After a week and a half long visit across the country, we we had to leave my single mother daughter and her newborn all alone, and return home. I have a feeling the emotions I was engulfed in that night may have had a little to do with all we had just endured as well.

So after binging and crying, I made it up to take the two littles to breakfast. I stopped at the gas station to fill up, hopped back into my jeep, and unexpectedly caught a familiar face out of the corner of my eye. It was my first born daughters, biological father. A man I'm not sure I've seen more than twice in the last twenty four years. It was in that moment, in that glance, everything became clear.

Had I not had the teenage story I did, which was far from normal, I wouldn't have my girl or my grand girl. Had I not went through all of the pain I did...physical, mental, emotional, financial..I wouldn't have ever felt the unfathomable love that I do. Our lives may never turn out the way we hope, pray, dream, or even plan. But I guarantee God will create a better one than we could have ever written for ourselves.

The Gift of Friendship

Differentiating between friend and foe has been a life long struggle of mine. Mainly because the life I live now, is so far removed from the life I was born into. Which often limits the things I have in common with other women. Despite that fact, I've learned regardless of the differences we may have in our upbringing, lifestyles, or passions...God has blessed me with the greatest of friends. Which has allowed me to see what true, unconditional, friendship really looks like.

It looks like a friend showing up at your house in the middle of the night, when you just learned of your father's tragic death.

It looks like a hospital full of beautiful faces, filled with joyful tears, while welcoming your baby into this world.

It looks like random texts saying they are praying for you and love you.

It looks like your son's favorite sweets showing up on the front porch, after he broke his foot a week before his biggest soccer game of the year.

It looks like showing up to support your daughter's singing competition.

It looks like coming to your house to check on you, when you literally can't get out of bed.

It looks like a line of cars in your driveway, waiting to hold you, when you lose a baby.

It looks like blessing your single mother, daughter, abundantly.

It looks like a home-cooked meal, when you are too sick to feed your family.

It looks like long phone calls, where you are free to be unapologetically raw and emotional.

It looks like celebrating all of life's wonderful moments; weddings, births, graduations. But, also, life's trials; death, divorces,  and losses.

It looks like a lifelong gift, given to you by God himself.

It looks like love♡

Mountain Movers

 The other night I had a dream that I was sitting in an auditorium amongst many of my family and friends. A person stepped onto the stage and gave a command. "Whatever you've carried in here with you, take it over to someone who's helped lighten your load, as a symbol of the weight they've helped lift off of you". First I saw a Sunday school student come over and place their backpack beside me. Next, a child from my jr. high class, bring their books over and place them on my lap. Then, a childhood friend dropped their purse off. One by one, the entire auditorium turned to deliver whatever it was they were holding, from fast food bags to Starbucks cups. Many familiar faces and some were strangers that I only remembered from crossing paths with briefly. 

Before, I knew it I looked around to a mound of random items built up around me, and an endless sea of people, empty handed. I heard the voice from the stage again. "This is the weight you've helped carry for everyone you've came across in life". I was in awe, that small acts of prayer and kindness, were remembered by others, or had that great of impact in their lives. From loved ones, to childhood friends, to random people I've met on the street, they were all there to show me every time I stopped to help someone along the way.

The past few years have been a long series of unfortunate events. It seems like I've barely recovered from one battle, when I find myself in the midst of another. When I reflect back on each circumstance, I know without doubt, the love of my friends carried me through. 

The dream signified that for me, while also, showing me the importance of helping others bear their burdens. Lifes too hard for one person to handle alone. But little by little we can help lift eachothers load. I believe, someday when we get to Heaven, just like the mounds of items in my dream, we will see every small moment we've taken the time to help decrease the weight of the world another has carried. 

One act of kindness.

One listening ear.

One prayer spoken

One obedient deed.

One smile.

One word of encouragement.

One moment of unconditional love.

We have the power to move another's mountain. One small act at a time.

~Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Deployment Diaries

While praying for a few military momma friends, who are anxiously awaiting their soldiers first deployment, I thought about all of the things I wish I would have known prior to mine. As well as, what helped me get through each day.

1-Send as many letters and boxes as you possibly can. I did this weekly. Involve your church families and your communities. Regardless of if your soldier shows it or not, it's always important for them to know they are supported at home.

2-Do not allow yourself to be consumed by the news. I stopped watching years ago, and it has freed me from so many moments of unnecessary worry.

3-Most people WILL NOT remember that your child is overseas. It honestly shocked me how little I was asked about mine. Then I realized that it isn't intentional. Others just do not understand how much it means for your child to be thought of, until they go through it themselves. I remember apologizing many times to a close friend of mine, for not inquiring more about her son while he was in Iraq, after my child's deployment.

4-The unknowns are the hardest part. Not knowing when your child is in the air. Not knowing when they're on the ground and what soil they are on. Not knowing if it is safe or if they are safe. Not being able to speak to them for days at a time. This is where my faith was increased the most. Trusting that God knows all that I couldn't possibly, and believing He is protecting them through it all.

5-Even if you aren't an emotional person, you will find yourself feeling things you've never felt before. Everytime I mailed out a package and I wrote Africa on the label, my eyes would fill up with tears. Do not do what I did and hold it all inside. Find someone who understands where you are and seek their counsel. If you don't have that person, let me be that for you.

6-You may become reactive to others complaining about their (in your mind) minimal problems. You mean you are complaining about being tired when I've been up for days not being able to locate my baby?!? That was where my mind went most of the time. It's important to understand it's okay to feel like you are living on the edge, because your heart honestly is.

7-We never forget our children are away from us, but it's important to wear a reminder. I have a special bracelet that was given to me by my aunt. Randomly throughout the day, when I looked down at it, it was the perfect reminder to pray for my girl.

8-From the moment you get the first call, your world will stand still. People will be going about their daily routines as normal, but you will feel as if you are stuck in a waiting area. It's hard to enjoy holidays or even breakfast knowing your child is being denied those things we take for granted.

9-When in doubt on if God will keep your soldier safe, start thanking Him for all the times He already has. This is where your strength to make it through each day comes from.

10-You will be SO proud. It doesn't matter what job your child has, or what foreign land they are in.  They are putting their lives on hold, and yours too, so that the rest of our country can live freely. You will be proud of them mostly, but also proud of yourself for making it through the hardest days of parenting, thus far.

Lastly, if you don't have a child overseas, take the time to check on your momma friends that do. They are not okay. And somedays they just need someone to show them how much they care!

New Life

We all enjoy the first sights of Spring. Especially those of us, who have lived in states with long harsh winters. Spring is a visual reminder of the beauty that comes from new life. From the sprouts emerging out of the dormant ground, to the birds returning home to create and fill their nests. The leaves budding from the barren trees, to the animals giving birth to the next generation. The signs of renewal and resurrection are all around us.

As I watch each of my plants burst through the hard, dead, ground and start to blossom the way that God has designed them to, I am also reminded of the new life He created in me.  Before I came to know Christ, I was just like the ground in the winter. Hard and dead to the world. Nothing could bloom or flourish in me. Bitterness and anger kept be from producing life. Trauma had kept me frozen in time. I was just surviving each long harsh day of the elements my environment dealt me.

The very moment I decided to open up and allow God's light to shine deep down into my soul, where a seed had once been planted, is the very moment He started a new life in me. I no longer looked at the world around me, through the dark dirt that once suffocated me. The warmth of the sun, hit my very roots, and I started to grow. I could see the beauty of the process, the way we do with each perfect petal that forms. I appreciated the birds chirping, the bees buzzing, and the crickets singing. I understood the journey it took for them to get to where they are. 

Others often reach out to me and tell me something I have shared has given them hope or inspired them to overcome. I haven't always had the ability to see the beauty in the struggle. Honestly most of my life, those stories, kept me bound. The work God started in me all those years ago, has just now started to come to fruition. He's beginning to use the many decades of dormancy, to produce a life that is now able to drops seeds into others soil. Like a plant who returns each Spring, bigger and stronger.

Allowing Him to resurrect, what was once dead in me, has been the greatest decision I have ever made. I no longer had to go through the motions of inhaling and exhaling just to survive each moment. I no longer had to battle the elements of life alone. I had a new life. One where I could push through the circumstances it dealt me, because I knew it was producing growth. And because He made ALL things new in me, I am able to share with others, that He will do the same for them.

It's up to us whether we choose to allow Him to nourish us, or remain as we are, trapped in our adversities. Choose life. A new life in Christ. Let Him resurrect that tiny little seed inside. And let us all witness the beauty He creates in you.

Things You Never Knew, You Never Knew

Dear Mom and Dad,

I've been pondering all of the things I never had the chance to ask you, before you left. There are so many questions still unanswered. The older I get, the more I have.

Those thoughts also got me thinking about all of the things you were never able to learn about me. More than just the rebellious teenage years...Like jumping off of a bridge, sneaking out, skipping school, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and driving illegally.  I'm talking about the things that make me, me. The things I am passion about. The things that make me laugh and the things that bring me joy.

-I loved you both, unconditionally.

-I prayed for you every single day, to be my parents and for your souls.

-I've instilled in my children some of the things that I loved most about you. My oldest daughter is in the US Armed Forces,  my son is an avid fisherman, and my little girl lives through music.

-Your grandkids are incredible. 

-My favorite color is yellow.

-I am smart. 

-I have always been a hypersensitive person. The things I witnessed as a child have caused me to struggle with extreme anxiety and OCD all of my life.

-I love math.

-I wanted to go to college.

-Through Christ, I was able to overcome most of the things you fought so hard to, but couldn't.

-I've also became a statistic anomaly.

-I bought a house.

-I marvel at sunrises and sunsets.

-I collect flowers and memories.

-I've traveled most of the US.

-I dream of being a writer.

-I am a good mother.

-You are about to become great grandparents.

-Of all the things you could've given me, your love would have been enough.

~Your daughter

My Defender

During 2020 COVID lockdown, we spent many nights walking and riding along our local bike trail. One evening, while the kids and my husband were racing out in front of me, a vicious dog came from out of nowhere, running toward me as fast as he could. I instantaneously became paralyzed with fear. The scream I felt, in the pit of my stomach, couldn't make its way out of my mouth. I knew it was going to attack, and I had no way to fight it off. As the dog was about to approach me, my husband turned around from far away, and let out a big roar. That dog, whose hind legs were hurdling over his front after his prey, stopped dead in its track. It tucked its tail and whimpered back into the wilderness from which it came. 

This story was forefront in my spirit this morning. The last few days, and months really, I have battled that same paralyzing fear. The one where I can't move. The same fear that takes my words and the very breath I try to breathe. The one where everything around me is moving, yet I remain frozen in time. 

My daughter leaving this country on deployment, and not being able to communicate her safety, paralyzed me. I couldn't eat, sleep, or speak for days and months at a time.

My neighbors tragic death, and seeing his family's pain, triggered me. Once again left me stuck in despair.

Hearing of my brother overdosing again, not once but twice, made me fear I wouldn't get to see him again.

My other brother being beat and left barely alive, consumed me with worry.

Actually thinking one of them could be dead for forty eight hours, destroyed my soul.

But God.

Isn't it amazing, how he can step in right at the perfect time, let out his mighty roar, and stop the enemy right as he's about to get to us? And that's just what he's done for me everytime I've found myself in a horrific state of fear. He speaks a word and the enemy stands still. It's in those moments that my faith increases. It's in those moments that I cannot do anything in my power to overcome the enemy that's about to attack and destroy me, I learn that God is my greatest defender.