Gracefully Gentle

Most of the moments I can remember from my childhood were filled with me crying so hard I could barely catch my breath. My parents were very aggressive towards each other and us, more than just physically. Our days were filled with them fighting constantly. The boys and I would be screaming for them to stop, not knowing what next level they would take their fights to. We saw them pull guns and knives on eachother and once watched my dad lay in a pool of his own blood, thinking for sure he was dead. We just knew one day they would kill eachother. And we just watched. And screamed. And cried. 

We were casualties of their war.

By the time my mom left us, I had no more tears left to cry. I went from being overwhelming emotional to feeling nothing at all. It must have been a slow wall I had built to block out all of the pain, that nothing could penetrate. I was an unemotional, guarded, hard little girl....fighting my way through every minute of my life. I acted and reacted the way I had witnessed those around me, and mostly was proud of it. There honestly wasn't a situation I couldn't battle my way through. To me emotion meant weakness. And I was strong. I was a warrior.

From my teenage years to adulthood, It affected every relationship I had. I couldn't let anyone in, and certainly couldn't give away parts of myself I fought so hard to protect. Not my husband. Not my children. Not even God.

There is a  misconception that when God saves us,  miraculously every burden we've ever carried vanishes. Although, that could be true for some, it wasn't in my case. There were pains and hurts I didn't even know existed until the last few years of my life. My parents passings had allowed them to resurface. My ability to speak my truth out loud for the first time, has played a huge part in my healing. Slowly, I have been able to take down my walls, brick by brick and give them to God. 

Most people I meet, seldom realize the person I used to be. And sometimes I forget her too. It only takes me looking into the eyes of my brothers and seeing the scars they still carry in their souls, to remind me. God's divine intervention...along with my obsession with Princess Dianna and every Disney Princess transformed me. Seriously, you would be amazed the things I've observed and mimicked in my life from them. A girls gotta learn to be graceful from somewhere, right?

I cannot imagine where I would be if I chose to bury myself behind that wall for the rest of my life. I know, like those I've witnessed, would have led me to live an isolated life, or worse... an early death. Instead, I made the choice to give it all to God...piece by piece. To live again. To breathe again. To feel again. To weep again. To love again.

All because Gods grace created a gentle, strong,spirit....from my hard, troubled heart🤍