Back in the summer, I watched a series about a fifteen year old girls typical coming of age story. After I binged the entire thing, I laid awake the rest of the night, sobbing uncontrollably. What was it about this particular story that triggered me? It wasn't even at all parallel to my own. The girl was on a journey of self discovery. She was experimenting with her looks and different social crowds. She was also falling in love for the very first time. I guess, what evoked so much emotion from me, was the fact that I never had a chance to experience those normal teenage rights of passage. Whether it was consequence of my own choice or others.
I was grieving the life I wish I had been given. I was caught up in what wasn't. I was weeping for the girl who had dreamt bigger dreams. And I was dwelling on my unlived childhood.
A few days prior, my very first granddaughter was born. After a week and a half long visit across the country, we we had to leave my single mother daughter and her newborn all alone, and return home. I have a feeling the emotions I was engulfed in that night may have had a little to do with all we had just endured as well.
So after binging and crying, I made it up to take the two littles to breakfast. I stopped at the gas station to fill up, hopped back into my jeep, and unexpectedly caught a familiar face out of the corner of my eye. It was my first born daughters, biological father. A man I'm not sure I've seen more than twice in the last twenty four years. It was in that moment, in that glance, everything became clear.
Had I not had the teenage story I did, which was far from normal, I wouldn't have my girl or my grand girl. Had I not went through all of the pain I did...physical, mental, emotional, financial..I wouldn't have ever felt the unfathomable love that I do. Our lives may never turn out the way we hope, pray, dream, or even plan. But I guarantee God will create a better one than we could have ever written for ourselves.
