Things You Never Knew, You Never Knew

Dear Mom and Dad,

I've been pondering all of the things I never had the chance to ask you, before you left. There are so many questions still unanswered. The older I get, the more I have.

Those thoughts also got me thinking about all of the things you were never able to learn about me. More than just the rebellious teenage years...Like jumping off of a bridge, sneaking out, skipping school, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and driving illegally.  I'm talking about the things that make me, me. The things I am passion about. The things that make me laugh and the things that bring me joy.

-I loved you both, unconditionally.

-I prayed for you every single day, to be my parents and for your souls.

-I've instilled in my children some of the things that I loved most about you. My oldest daughter is in the US Armed Forces,  my son is an avid fisherman, and my little girl lives through music.

-Your grandkids are incredible. 

-My favorite color is yellow.

-I am smart. 

-I have always been a hypersensitive person. The things I witnessed as a child have caused me to struggle with extreme anxiety and OCD all of my life.

-I love math.

-I wanted to go to college.

-Through Christ, I was able to overcome most of the things you fought so hard to, but couldn't.

-I've also became a statistic anomaly.

-I bought a house.

-I marvel at sunrises and sunsets.

-I collect flowers and memories.

-I've traveled most of the US.

-I dream of being a writer.

-I am a good mother.

-You are about to become great grandparents.

-Of all the things you could've given me, your love would have been enough.

~Your daughter

My Defender

During 2020 COVID lockdown, we spent many nights walking and riding along our local bike trail. One evening, while the kids and my husband were racing out in front of me, a vicious dog came from out of nowhere, running toward me as fast as he could. I instantaneously became paralyzed with fear. The scream I felt, in the pit of my stomach, couldn't make its way out of my mouth. I knew it was going to attack, and I had no way to fight it off. As the dog was about to approach me, my husband turned around from far away, and let out a big roar. That dog, whose hind legs were hurdling over his front after his prey, stopped dead in its track. It tucked its tail and whimpered back into the wilderness from which it came. 

This story was forefront in my spirit this morning. The last few days, and months really, I have battled that same paralyzing fear. The one where I can't move. The same fear that takes my words and the very breath I try to breathe. The one where everything around me is moving, yet I remain frozen in time. 

My daughter leaving this country on deployment, and not being able to communicate her safety, paralyzed me. I couldn't eat, sleep, or speak for days and months at a time.

My neighbors tragic death, and seeing his family's pain, triggered me. Once again left me stuck in despair.

Hearing of my brother overdosing again, not once but twice, made me fear I wouldn't get to see him again.

My other brother being beat and left barely alive, consumed me with worry.

Actually thinking one of them could be dead for forty eight hours, destroyed my soul.

But God.

Isn't it amazing, how he can step in right at the perfect time, let out his mighty roar, and stop the enemy right as he's about to get to us? And that's just what he's done for me everytime I've found myself in a horrific state of fear. He speaks a word and the enemy stands still. It's in those moments that my faith increases. It's in those moments that I cannot do anything in my power to overcome the enemy that's about to attack and destroy me, I learn that God is my greatest defender.